Why “Making It Safe” Isn’t the Key to Intimacy — and What Actually Builds Trust in Marriage
The Common Misunderstanding About Emotional Safety
If you’ve ever felt like it’s hard to be open with your spouse, you’ve probably heard advice that says, “You have to make it safe for your partner to share.”
It sounds compassionate — and of course, kindness and empathy are essential in any healthy marriage — but the truth is more complex.
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, a relationship therapist known for her work on emotional maturity and intimacy, often challenges this popular idea. She teaches that true safety in marriage doesn’t come from your partner’s behavior — it comes from your own courage and integrity.
Real Intimacy Requires Courage, Not Perfect Conditions
We all crave connection. But we often want the feeling of intimacy without the risk that comes with it.
True intimacy means being seen — and that means there’s always a chance you’ll be misunderstood, rejected, or challenged.
If we wait for our partner to “make it safe” before we show up honestly, we never actually grow. Instead, we keep outsourcing our emotional stability to someone else.
Intimacy isn’t built on comfort. It’s built on courage.
What Emotional Safety Really Looks Like
Creating emotional safety isn’t about avoiding discomfort or tiptoeing around each other’s feelings. It’s about learning how to stay grounded and self-respecting even when things feel tense.
When you take responsibility for your own reactivity — instead of blaming or withdrawing — you become the kind of person your partner can trust.
That’s what creates lasting safety in marriage.
Here’s what that looks like in practice:
Speak honestly, even when it’s scary.
Say what you mean with kindness, not defensiveness. (“I’m feeling hurt and want to understand what happened,” instead of “You always make me feel this way.”)Manage your anxiety.
Learn to breathe, self-soothe, and regulate your emotions rather than expecting your partner to do it for you.Respect your partner’s autonomy.
Let them respond how they choose — even if it’s uncomfortable. Real intimacy means allowing both people to be real.Build trust through consistency.
When you show up with honesty and respect, your partner learns that your openness doesn’t come with emotional punishment.
A Helpful Reframe: From “Make It Safe for Me” to “I Can Handle This”
Instead of saying:
“I can’t share my feelings until you make it safe for me.”
Try saying:
“I want to be the kind of person who can speak honestly, even when I feel anxious about how you’ll respond.”
That subtle mindset shift transforms your marriage. It moves you from emotional dependence to emotional maturity — the foundation of true partnership.
How Therapy Can Help
In couples therapy, we work on building emotional resilience, improving communication, and breaking reactive patterns that block intimacy.
Through guided conversations and practical tools, you can learn how to:
Communicate with more honesty and empathy
Recognize when fear or shame is running the show
Build trust through integrity and consistency
Develop the courage to be real — and to love your partner as a whole person, not just a source of validation
Whether you’re struggling with fear of vulnerability, conflict avoidance, or recurring communication breakdowns, therapy offers a space to grow your emotional muscles — the very thing that makes deep love possible.
Final Thoughts
As Dr. Finlayson-Fife often says, “You can’t have intimacy without honesty, and you can’t have honesty without courage.”
When you stop waiting for your partner to make it safe and instead learn to anchor yourself in truth and integrity, you begin to experience the kind of closeness that can’t be manufactured — the kind that comes from two whole, courageous people choosing each other, again and again. If you’ve been searching for “marriage counseling near me”, or “marriage therapy near me” Call The Harbor: Cypress Family Therapy, PLLC today to schedule a free consultation.
