Top 3 Tips for Lowering Defensiveness and Reducing Conflict in Your Marriage

By Lindsay Weston, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

If you’re in a high-conflict marriage, you know how quickly a small disagreement can spiral into a full-blown argument. In these moments, defensiveness becomes the default — you feel attacked, so you protect yourself, which often leads to more hurt and distance.

As a couples therapist, I’ve worked with many partners who feel stuck in this cycle. The good news? You can change the pattern. Here are my top three tips for lowering defensiveness and reducing conflict so you can create a calmer, more connected relationship.

1. Pause Before You Respond

When emotions run high, our nervous system shifts into fight-or-flight mode. In this state, it’s hard to think clearly or listen well.

Try this:

• Take a slow breath before responding.

• Ask yourself, “What is my partner really trying to tell me?”

• If needed, say, “I want to hear you, but I need a moment to think before I respond.”

Why it works:
A short pause gives your brain time to shift out of reactive mode, making it easier to respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness. Over time, this small habit can de-escalate arguments and build trust.

2. Lead With Validation, Not Rebuttals

In a high-conflict marriage, each partner often feels unheard or misunderstood. When you respond by defending your position, your spouse hears that you’re more focused on being “right” than on understanding them.

Try this:

• Start your reply with: “I can see why you feel that way…” or “That makes sense given what you experienced…”

• Save your perspective for after you’ve acknowledged theirs.

Why it works:
Validation doesn’t mean you agree — it means you’re showing your partner that their feelings matter. When people feel understood, they’re more open to hearing another viewpoint, which reduces tension and defensiveness.

3. Focus on the Problem, Not the Person

Defensiveness thrives when criticism feels personal. Shifting the conversation from blame to problem-solving changes the entire tone of the discussion.

Try this:

• Use “I” statements: “I feel anxious when we don’t talk about money until the bills are due.”

• Avoid “You always…” or “You never…” language, which triggers defensiveness.

• Work together to brainstorm solutions instead of proving who’s at fault.

Why it works:
Separating the issue from the person makes it safer to collaborate on a solution. Over time, this builds a sense of partnership instead of opposition.

Final Thoughts

Lowering defensiveness in a relationship takes practice — especially if you’ve been stuck in a high-conflict marriage for years. But by pausing before you respond, validating your partner’s feelings, and focusing on the problem instead of personal attacks, you can break the cycle of reactivity and move toward healthier communication.

If you and your partner are struggling with frequent arguments or defensiveness, couples therapy can help you learn new tools to reduce conflict and restore connection. Contact me today to schedule a consultation and start building a calmer, more supportive relationship.