How to Improve Communication in Marriage: Skills That Truly Work
One of the most common reasons couples in Cypress, TX seek out marriage counseling is communication struggles. Misunderstandings, defensiveness, and unresolved conflicts can create a cycle where both partners feel unheard and disconnected. The good news? Communication isn’t just a personality trait — it’s a skill that can be learned, practiced, and strengthened with the right tools.
At The Harbor: Cypress Family Therapy, PLLC, we use research-based strategies, including Terry Real’s Feedback Wheel and the Gottmans’ gentle start-up approach, to help couples improve communication and rebuild closeness.
Why Communication Matters in Marriage
Strong communication is the foundation of intimacy and trust. Without it, resentment can build, small conflicts turn into major blow-ups, and couples can feel like roommates instead of partners. Improving how you talk and listen to each other helps you feel like a team again.
Terry Real’s Feedback Wheel: A Practical Tool for Couples
Terry Real, a well-known couples therapist, developed a simple framework called the Feedback Wheel. This tool helps couples give feedback in a way that reduces defensiveness and promotes understanding. It involves four clear steps:
“This is what I saw or heard…”
Share the specific behavior, not your interpretation.
Example: “You walked away in the middle of our conversation.”
“This is the story I tell myself…”
Explain what meaning you made of it.
Example: “I told myself that you didn’t care about what I was saying.”
“This is how I feel…”
Express your actual emotions, not accusations.
Example: “I felt hurt and dismissed.”
“This is what would help me…”
Offer a clear request for change.
Example: “Next time, could you let me know if you need a break and that we’ll return to the conversation?”
Using this tool keeps feedback specific, calm, and constructive. Instead of blaming or criticizing, you’re inviting your partner into understanding your experience and offering them a way to respond better.
The Gottmans’ Gentle Start-Up vs. Harsh Start-Up
John and Julie Gottman’s decades of research show that the way you start a conversation almost always predicts how it will end.
A harsh start-up sounds like: “You never listen to me. You don’t even care about this marriage!” → This immediately puts your partner on the defensive.
A gentle start-up begins with: “I feel lonely when we don’t talk about our day. Can we sit down and catch up tonight?” → This invites openness and reduces defensiveness.
Combining the Feedback Wheel with a gentle start-up creates a powerful communication style that promotes empathy and cooperation instead of conflict.
How Couples Counseling Can Help
Even with the best tools, it can be hard to change old patterns on your own. That’s where couples therapy in Cypress, TX can help. In sessions, we:
Teach you step-by-step communication skills.
Help you practice them in real conversations.
Create a safe space where both partners can feel heard and validated.
At The Harbor: Cypress Family Therapy, PLLC, our goal is to help couples improve communication, reduce conflict, and strengthen their emotional bond.
